Thank you for this article.  It takes courage to address something like this in the church.  I acknowledge that there are always many sides to any situation-and ALL of us are sinners-but I have seen from unfortunate personal experience with friends and family how widespread misconcptions about abuse and trauma can cause victims of abuse to be treated as if they are the only ones who have sinned and need to repent.  People who don't have experience with abuse (or even those who do) may not realize that abusers don't necessarily look like thugs but often seem like very nice people.  They may not see themselves as abusers and may believe the victim "made" them angry or convince themselves that what they are doing is justified, even if they are secretly beating the tar out of a victim or almost killing them. 

An abuser may be able to look an elder or a best friend in the eye and say they are not abusing anyone because they have convinced themselves what they are doing is not abuse. Because it is not unusal for abusers to distort reality for the victim so that they can manipulate him or her, the victim may have become so cowed and afraid they aren't sure what is real anymore-therefore, the VICTIM may by the one who appears guilty and full of shame and who can't look anyone in the eye.  

Many people also don't understand that often people who are experiencing abuse are often afraid to talk about it because of intimidation by the abuser and/or fear they will not be believed.  This fear is often made worse when they DO speak up and people don't believe them because they didn't say something sooner or because there are no visible marks.  Fear may cause a victim to retract a very real story of abuse, and it may not just be fear of retaliation or of not being believed.  A victim may fear having to live alone or not having money to live on. 

Finally, the person who has been abused may be experiencing depression, anxiety, and other mental health problems as a result of the abuse; and this may make them appear unstable.  If the abuse began in childhood, the mental health issues could be even worse.  Meanwhile, the abuser may seem calm and unflappable because he or she feels in control.

Obviously, all sides of any situation must be considered; and even victims are sinners who must repent of sin, but they should never be subjected to ongoing abuse.  I am certainly not an expert-just someone who has learned from difficult experience-but I am pleased that there are experts who are providing education to churches about this issue.  Even though I have tended to take the side of the victim, many abusers were abused themselves-they need fellowship from the Body, treatment, and the same grace we all need.

I've spent my life training biblical counselors in East Asia and this topic is part of our usual curriculum. Thanks for this informative article, and alerting us to the typical church leaders who lack experience with the sinfulness and deceptiveness of abusers (similar to the way people with any kind of addiction respond to investigative queries, with persistent lying to protect their own interests).  The article also points to some churches who have developed counseling awareness--Bravo to church leaders sharing likeness to the kingly protection of Christ! I recommend a good book by Leslie Vernick The Emotionally Destructive Marriage and her website for other resources https://www.leslievernick.com/free-resources/   She is a very well-informed and case-wise experienced counselor to properly analyze and confront abuse cases. She offers a very wise set of principles to hold abuser accountable as well, not just accepting false promises and lies that abusers typically give. She also wisely notes that marriage counseling is not recommended if an abusive liar is one of the people in counseling (scoffer, mocker, divisive fool in Proverbs should be separated from). Diane Langberg also has some good books for both counselors and survivors of abuse, especially sexual abuse, Counseling Survivors of Sexual Abuse, On the Threshold of Hope, (+ workbook) and the difficulties of counselors (and church leaders) facing abuse atrocities in Suffering and the Heart of God. Another related resource is Betrayal of Trust by Stanley Grenz & Roy Bell, about abuse by those in authority, such as church leaders or counselors themselves--average of 1/10 influence-leaders may abuse their authority with those under their supposed care to seek personal gratification with their flock, and the need to properly investigate claims of leadership abuse presented by church members. With stories like this of abuse and church failure to protect in both church and marriage, feminism seems to offer a correct analysis of the problems of male abuse of authority, and substitutes female leadership instead. The way forward is not role reversal, but role reformation: husbands being accountable to love and sacrifice and wives enjoying the protection and selfless concern of husbands; church leaders being trained to protect victims in the image of Christ the King, and woe to those who cause one of these little ones to stumble! May the Lord, though his shepherding church and her leaders, have priestly mercy and kingly protection for his victimized people. May the Lord lead abusers to sincere repentance (2 Cor 7:10-11). But if they are not willing to repent, may the church and her leaders show his cursed face to all cowardly abusers and faithless liars, representing his future judgment by excommunication from the fellowship/membership of the church in the present (Rev 21:8)! 

The issues that have already been raised by the above comments are excellent. I would add to that that there are certain theological issues that also end up creating the backdrop for sweeping this terrible issue under the rug or blaming the victims. The doctrine of sin as promulgated by evangelical churches tends to flatten distinctions between sins, suggesting that they are all equal, or that "we are all sinners," which draws a false equivalence between abuser and DV victim. The victim is pressured to acknowledge her own "sinfulness" in the marriage, which she hestitates to do in relation to these issues, while the perpetrator, particularly if he is well integrated into the church, is going to be more than adept at making "confessions" of "failings" as a means of deflecting serious consequences. This puts the victim into the defensive posture either of re-concealing their status as a victim lest they be further blamed for it, or fleeing the church altogether lest she receive further hostile and skeptical treatment. The church is fooled into (or fools itself into) believing in "grace," which is always oriented at giving sinners the benefit of the doubt when they say they are sorry, rather than grace that provides comfort and support for those who have been wounded. This is a stark distortion of the gospel in the evangelical tradition that provides such a focus on the message of sin and forgiveness, but lacks a corresponding focus on issues like restoration, healing, and recovery for those who have been hurt by the sins of others, which is at best seen as an implication of the gospel, rather than its core.

I would add to this that the complementarian models of church leadership often pushed by evangelicals lend themselves in particular to creating a hostile environment for DV victims, since abused women are often brought, either by themselves or with their abuser, before a group of only men. When one adds to this the description of "biblical womanhood" that has been pushed by, among many others, men like John Piper that the biblical woman is supposed to be characterized by (among other similar descriptors) being "meek," "delicate," and "gentle," you also get a serious problem. A DV victim who is seeking help and finally unmasking her abuser is usually anything but meek, delicate, and gentle. In these situations, the mask of normalcy that typically hides the abusive relationship appears to offer a far "better" version of what the woman supposedly "ought" to look like. This means that her progress towards freeing herself from an abusive relationship is often reinterpreted (and, I might add, grossly misinterpreted) by church leadership as a regression of her character into resentment, bitterness, and hostility. 

Finally, the assumption among elders (as represented in T's sad story) that they are owed obedience and deference as the core part of their position as ordained leaders frequently causes church leadership to fall back on this in these situations, especially when they feel that their "advice" is not being heeded. It is hard to imagine something more harmful, consiering that abuse of all kinds is fundamentally about the abuser asserting power over his victim. When the church "leadership" demands the acceptance of their "assistance" by asserting their authority over the victim, whether they mean to or not, they align themselves with the abuser by removing agency from the victim. Small wonder that abuse victims very often find the church to be one of the least safe places to be open about their experiences.

Another issue that I have run across in my profession: Church leadership is often pressing for reconciliation and "saving the marriage," and they do this by encouraging both parties to "forgive," which ends up putting the onus on the victim. Her refusal to "make amends" with her abuser is interpreted as her recalcitrance rather than her escape, while the abuser often makes a show of being "forgiving" towards the perceived (or real, but comparatively minor) faults of the victim. This demand for forgiveness on the part of the leadership wraps itself in the guise of the gospel, but functionally it puts the church firmly on the side of the abuser, who typically maintains control over his victim in part by a cycle of abusive behavior and "reconciliation" that comes with a show of promises not to harm the victim again, combined with efforts to convince her that she is at fault for prompting his behavior. The church is often more than happy to be convinced by this display, in part because we have convinced ourselves of the "miraculous" character of grace, which makes us gullible, and because it purports to signal that the problem is over, which can allow the whole terrible situation to be swept back under the rug. We might say that this too is a distortion of the gospel that places such a heavy priority on the moment of "conversion" or of the interior "faith" intentions of the individual, rather than the slow painstaking and identifiable growth in practical sanctification, which is reduced to nothing more than the "evidence" of what actually matters. In the same way, DV victims are expected to extend unqualified forgiveness based on the mere profession of repentance by their abuser (which abusers are only to happy to offer), as if somehow this were the way Christians are called to imitate Christ.

Thank you for this article.  Something that wasn't mentioned is the prevalence of spousal abuse by the leaders and pastors of the church. 

There are many wise comments here; it is true that the commands Jesus gave concerning husbands and wives cannot possibly apply in an abusive situation, as it only makes things worse.  

If anyone is reading this comment and is a spouse of a person who is in leadership in a church; don't doubt yourself.  Don't doubt your ability to hear God's voice and His will for your live.  Listen to what HE tells you to do, not what your abusive spouse is saying, or even what those around you are saying.  God can bring miraculous change to your life, and through your pain, He has taught you lessons few will learn, and He will use you in amazing ways, to His glory and to your freedom from abuse and pain.

[Comment edited by moderator]

Both of these articles are much needed in the church, I can only pray and hope that pastors and elders everywhere will actually read them. 

I write as survivor of emotional and spiritual abuse. When I finally spoke up, no one believed that my christian college and seminary trained spouse could be such a person as I alleged. He's never repented and today pastors a church, after he filed for divorce and left me.  Praise God, years later after going through much counseling myself, God redeemed my life and brought me a man who loves me as Christ loves the church!

Today I have 3 girlfriends, all married more than 20 years, all christians married to christian men...all 3 are living your articles. Living with husbands who refuse to repent and who've turned the shame/blame on them, going to churches where the leadership refuses to acknowledge the sin of the husband.  My heart is grieving and broken for these 3 friends. I know their pain and turmoil.  How sad that as women, we actually pray and think, Oh if there were only broken bones and black & blue marks to make the church leaders believe! 

Please keep writing more articles and bringing this crisis to light in the church. We must keep speaking boldly.

I lived with a very emotionally abusive husband for 26 years, believing in the sanctity of marriage and afraid to get a divorce. Early in our marriage he was physically abusive, but being smart, ended the physical abuse. The deception and mind games were incredible, yet the outside world saw him as a nice guy. I always knew something was wrong and believed that I just needed to work harder on the marriage by going to church, bible studies, listening to Christian radio shows, etc. Now I know that he has every trait of someone with a covert narcissistic personality disorder. When the discard happened he just walked out, found another church, obtained a new church 'family', and filed for divorce.

I believe the church is a perfect place for abusive men to 'hide' in, and consistently fails to protect the most vulnerable women and children. This article consistently puts this failure on display. 

We need to pray for our church leaders for discernment.  We have come alongside a wife who was abused and helped her escape.  But we also knew a wife who was abusing her husband but claimed she was abused!!

This family in our church was struggling, so we came around them, with other families coming alongside as well.  The wife was witnessed verbally and emotionally abusing the husband, demeaning him and polarizing the kids against him.  When friends & church leaders confronted her, she polarized the church by saying her husband was abusive and the church leadership was abusive.  The only people who believed her were those who had spent time with her, But Never Spent Time With the Family.  After being confronted she pulled the kids away from their friends who were in families who disagreed with her.  She then moved to another town without her husband and has kept the kids from their dad.  

"Unholy Charade:Unmasking Domestic Abuse in the Church" is a helpful book.

I went through a several-month period where my husband was emotionally abusive, and regularly threatened physical abuse. It was related to control- he had a ton of unforgiveness in his heart from years past, toward me and many other people in his life, and it had poisoned all his insides. But he knew how to be a good Christian on the OUTside, and he truly thought he was doing a good job. The pressure built when he couldn't keep a lid on the poison, because it was overflowing into his daily life, and threatening his Christian reputation. He turned this feeling of losing control outward onto something to blame outside of himself, and that happened to be me. I tell you this because he truly didn't know what was happening. God was dumping his insides out, and he had trained himself to believe that it all was everyone else's fault but his. He thought that if he could control me, he could control the mess, because I was the only one who really knew how deep the mess was. 

I am writing this several years after God has brought my husband to deep repentance, taught me to trust Him in the dark, and restored our marriage after much work, mostly from my husband, because I built an emotional wall; I wanted to see it before I believed it. 

Here are a few tips for husbands or wives, if you find yourself in a similar situation-

Turn immediately to God, and stay there, stuck fast to Him. Ask Him to erase all of the hateful words. Ask Him to replace those words with His words about who you are. If you harbor those words, you will develop a distorted self-image, and you will be drinking the poison. Then that poison will be coming out of you.

Be truly vulnerable to God alone. He alone is to be trusted with the tenderest parts of our hearts. I think of John 2, when Jesus said he would entrust himself to no man because he knew what was in a man. That doesn't mean you don't reach out with love and grace, but it is from a place of protection- the Lord's protection (and not SELF-protection, which can also distort responses, and add poison to an alreadly poisonous situation). 

Ask for help, from those who love your husband and want the best for him and your marriage. This is tricky, because we can recieve some pretty terrible advice, even from folks in the above-mentioned category. But this also saved our marriage. He felt terribly threatened after I did this, and started to become more violent, but because I only told his mother, our pastor, our marriage counselor and a mutual Christian friend, his shame and humiliation was not long-lived and he eventually became truly humble and vulnerable- a brand new thing- without feeling condemned by strangers. 

When you ask for help, check your motives, and check them again. Is your hope ultimately for healing and restoration, or for vengeance and retribution? People who are pulled into the situation will be able to tell the difference. They will not like it if they feel you are using them as a weapon to shame and punish your spouse.

Seek safety. There was a point when I considered leaving him for a time, but I wanted to go where he wouldn't experience unrecoverable shame. This may not be an option for you, but it is something to consider. If you are truly in danger, go! even if it's just for the weekend, but may turn out longer. And let the Lord handle it from there- He may want to get your husband/wife to a place of deep brokenness and loss, where s/he can experience the unearned grace of God, maybe for the first time in his/her life.

The marriages that survive abuse are the ones where there is DEEP, MUTUAL repentance and forgiveness...so understand my words are coming from a place where my husband was already a believer, and was able to hear God's voice, which ultimately saved him, and our marriage. Clearly all marriages are unique, so take these words with a grain of salt!